Undercover Boss no more!

OK, I have officially had enough.

In earlier blogs, I wrote about the television show Undercover Boss, which at the time was a novel idea of disguising the President or CEO of a company and placing them into the lowest ranks of the organization, to see if he/she could actually do the front-line tasks they were expecting the peons to excel at.

Sort of a take on Michael Moore's idea of trying to get the CEO of IBM to come out in front of the office and format a disk (for you young-ins a disk is a thing you put computer data on, like a DVD today). Of course, since many of the executives they showed were unable to do the tasks in a timely fashion, if at all, watch the hijinks ensue. Some of these tasks included cleaning toilets, moving pallets of inventory, greeting customers etc. Great television, right?

Well the formula of the show is now a broken record:
- Show CEO in home environment - see them as great family people whilst relaxing in a lavish multi-zillion dollar estate. Put wife in apron while working 3 inch stilettos and no concept of where oven is. Replace family dog with TV poodle.
- Put funny moustache or hat on CEO and send to seedy hotel in the sticks. Show Tiger Woods sneaking around in the background. Oops, did I write that.
- Show CEO being assigned to extremely keen and uber-positive trainer, then failing at the most mundane tasks. Show trainer waving finger in shame.
- Show CEO going on extended 3 hour coffee or lunch break where CEO becomes corporate psychologists and asks trainer personal questions about their life. Listen to sob story. Change channels for 10 minutes
- Repeat last 2 steps at least 3 times. Insert clip of CEO back at seedy motel washing face with grungy facecloth which would normally not be used to clean gum off shoe. Show CEO running off camera to makeup room.
- Show trainers back at head office with CEO, acting completely stunned as CEO unveils ruse and offers lavish gifts.
- Show corporate event where fake office staff laugh at the hijinks which ensued in the ruse on big screen.
- Show extreme affection between CEO and trainers. Ensure contracts are signed beforehand to limit unlawful touching of subordinates.
- Ignore fact that lying and tricking employees during this television ruse is a complete violation of corporate values, and under normal circumstances, would result in termination.
- Show updates on screen of happiness and bliss which followed. No mention of share price fluctuations.
- Throw up.

Now I liked this show in the beginning, and I know these hardship cases are likely valid. I'm all for supporting the hardworking little people out to support their families. But the show formula never changed except for one episode with Hooters, where some line manager was an absolute chauvinist, and another with a distribution company where a customer service rep was rude (she is clearly the only one in North America).

Otherwise, every company was the same. Lots of hardship case employees who work hard and hope for a better life, but rarely say anything bad about their employers. Put up your hand if you cannot find someone in your company who might have something less than positive to say about management. It is like an infomercial for the company, but without Tom Vu or Billy Blanks and a bevy of skanks in the background.

I know its Sunday television, and I know its supposed to be feel good, but do you really think every company is this way? Or that none of the employees ever watch this show on television and catch onto the ruse as its happening. I am almost motivated to support Hooters, since they at least had the stones to allow their company to be slightly embarrassed. Since I hate their food, probably not, but kudos to you Hooters, for at least being real. Well at least some things are real at Hooters.

This is what happens when my friends go watch tennis....

Knock and Beware

I work for a big company, and as such, because of job and stature, have been provided an office. I like to think my hard work and great contributions resulted in the office being provided, although chances are everyone above data-entry person gets one here since we have a big building. Regardless I am the Donald Trump of my area, or so I tell people.

Every once in a while, I need to close the door to my office. Whether its to eat lunch, work on confidential projects, talk to someone on the phone, whatever the case. Everyone has their reasons.

What is perplexing to me is how often someone actually comes and knocks on the door even if it is closed. So lets think about this for a second. Door is open, people can come in and I can go out. Since my door is more often open than closed, its should be obvious that when its closed, privacy is required. Door is closed means do not disturb. If I wanted to be disturbed, I would not close the door.

I know, petty blog, but it baffles me how often this happens. And every time someone knocks on the door (which is almost daily), the first comment out of their mouth is "Sorry to bother you". No you're not. if you were sorry, you would not have knocked. Was I away the day they taught people that respecting people's privacy means respecting when a door is closed? Now if the building was on fire, or someone was injured, sure, knock on the door. Today, it was "can I borrow your stapler?" I guess everyone with open office doors do not have functioning staplers.

I think its time to be quiet now.

"9 TIMES, BABY"

I know people. Rusty is a bad blogger. Sadly, I am not very consistent in my posts, but when I post, I like to put some time into it. We've all seen blogs where it looks forced. Not me baby! I slave over my blog like I'm baking a cake, icing it perfectly, popping in the candles. OK, bad example for a dude, but you know what I mean.

So I went to the drive-in for the first time in years. The last drive-in I went to magically burned down due to a gas explosion in the plant next door, and that was at least 10 or more years ago. I seem to recall watching something with Catherine Zeta-Jones (who my Dad continues to describe as phhhheeeeennnnnommminaaaal) and Sean Connery (is he still alive?). It was a while ago for sure.

Its always fun to check out the retro snack bar, sit out in the fresh air, crimp your neck at strange angles and watch a few flicks. It was a triple-feature night, so theoretically, I could have stayed there for a week watching movies and eating stale unbuttered popcorn. Driving into the lot, I was pleasantly surprised to see the ground was not gravel, but rather actual grass and some semi-paved lanes. It was a hot night and a weekend to boot, so I knew it would be busy. Best to get there a bit early and find a nice spot where nobody else was parked - since I'm quiet and all you know.

Unbeknownst to me, this drive-in has an area for cars, and a bigger area for trucks, vans, planes etc. Dummy me heads to the back (since I'm a back of the bus kind of guy), resulting in being in the Winnebago and Partridge Family bus circa-1976 zone. And you know some yahoo with a monster sized truck was going to park in front of me. By the time I realized my error, all the small vehicle spots were full, so we sucked it up and tried to watch between the monster trucks.

I decided to line-up for food in a line-up the size of an American Idol audition. It was moving quick, but I did not anticipate the intriguing banter of the people around us. There were 3 teen-aged ladies in front of us. I put them at maybe 17. Somehow, their skuzzy 17 year old boyfriends got them to stand in line while they stayed back in the van to do homework or pray or something. So the ladies are chatting about the fun they had the night before, and the topic of intimacy comes up. I am by no means one of those sickos who eavesdrops, but it was hard not to hear as the larger of the girls (see fuller-figured) is tutoring the smaller girls on techniques, while resting her arms on the little girls shoulders. No joke!

I'm really trying hard at this point to not pay any more attention. I'm watching the stray dog taking a leak by the garbage can, the older couple with funny binoculars, anything to not hear this conversation. Then the larger girl bursts out with "9 TIMES BABY!," and I'm pretty sure she is not talking about arithmetic. "YOU'LL GET THERE TOO ONE DAY GIRLS!" she tells the little ones, all motherly. The littlest one, who resembled Winnie Cooper from the Winder years (left), ran back to the van, saying something about needing more money. For all I know, she was trying to catch-up. Who knew.

Working my way back through the parking lot maze, and I thought about was how I was clearly too introverted as a teenager to come across girls like the ones in line. Even the second-hand pot smoke and annoying moths could not change my thought process. Both movies sucked, and I will likely not rush back to the drive-in, but at least now I know how much it has changed.

Unusual Neighbours Continued...

Most recently, since I've moved into my not so new townhouse, I've had a couple of neighbours on one side and the same neighbour on the other. The couple who have been here with us the whole time seem quite nice. They have barricaded their backyards with tall trees, shrubbery and lattice fencing to ensure nobody, us included, can see in. I find this perfectly normal. They have a cute little terrier dog, who actually only barks when she is outside, so its nice for the most part. Either that, or he has insulated his walls on the inside to mask "Sparkie's" barking. The dog wants to be a rooster, so we can always tell when its time to wake up too which is an added bonus. We hardly talk, so being the quiet guy that I am, works great for me.

On the other side to me was a friendly elderly couple. We share "doors", meaning they can see our back door and vice-versa. Any time I'd come home, the husband would be outside watering his lawn or flora which adorned his townhouse. He was religious about watering, minimum 4 to 5 times per day, for multiple hours at a time. He would personally see to it that every plant on his yard, and all 6 neighbours, had plenty of watering done. If there was a chain-smoking for waterers, this guy was the winner. He was a German fellow, and his English was not great, but we could always tell his intentions, as he walked around everywhere with his water jug looking to feed some plant. We would snarl at me any time we did NOT water our lawn at the same time as him. When we looked across the backyards of all the tenants, you could always tell which yard was his - his grass was green, plush, consistent. The rest looked like typical yards with patches of green and brown, odd shaped divots etc. I called him the "Water Nazi", in a polite way of course.

The Water Nazi moved away (likely to some pasture somewhere which he could turn into Central Park), but his place was sold very quickly. I would learn that the new couple were also retirees, and the husband used to work for NATO. He would tell me crazy stories of espionage, hanging upside-down to retrieve prized gems, avoiding hidden laser beams....oh, that was Mission Impossible. Well that was what I was thinking, as he was telling he of his ventures to countries I've never heard of. But it was not his past career that makes him different. Nope, instead its that I think he's a peeping tom. He loves looking into our windows. Its kind of creepy. He's also one of those "always seems to be there" kind of people, meaning, the minute I go into the back yard, whammo, he comes out to chat. Now I can only talk for so long, especially if I'm BBQing or something, but he magically always pops up. I'd be driving into the garage, and there he is, waving. I go to pick up the newspaper, and he's there to hand it to me - ok not literally, but he's always out there. If I had higher fences, I would call him Wilson.

I have no idea why I get so many unique neighbours. Chances are as you are reading this, you might think that is perfectly normal. To me, living next to porn freaks, slutty sportscasters, wife beaters, water nazis, Fort Knox and Lookie-Lous is just another day too. I wonder what they all refer to me as?

Where are the Ropers when you need them?

I have an a great knack for neighbours. It goes back in time, but I swear if there was a prize for living next to unusual people, I would not only win, they would name the prize after me.

I used to live in an apartment on the basement floor. The day I checked the place out, nary a peep in the building, and the price was right. Of course, it was 10am, and most people were at work. Little did I realize both the walls and ceilings were paper thin, and you could hear everything.

Across the hall was another young guy, just like me at the time. Seemed to keep to himself - I always saw him coming back home on his bike with bags of groceries in hand. OK, so the guy liked to eat, worse things to have right? Well I guess my friend also fancied himself a ladies man, thinking he could bring the birds to the nest for a little alone time. Little did I know, alone time included watching adult movies every weekend - LOUD. Ever live beside someone who loved watching these flicks all night - changes you perception on quiet guys quite quickly. Thankfully, the landlord evicted little Larry Flynt, but the noises remain burned in my ear.

One floor up was one of the city's most famous female sportscasters. She of the pretty face, and great knowledge of all sports - she could talk the talk as well. I watched her on TV all the time, and thought she was a hottie. One day in the laundry room, someone had left their lady garments in the dryer. Normally, I would remove them and place them in the laundry basket on top, but these lady garments were truly the "undergarments" guys like me should not see (or I guess be privileged to see). Sure enough, not seconds after I shut the dryer door, along comes our sportscaster, top speed, to collect her stuff. We exchanged pleasantries, and I thought to myself, our hot sportscaster lives just upstairs and likes to wear frilly undergarments - score! I would watch the newscast with much greater attention over the next few weeks.

One night, I hear noises from outside my window. Its dark, but I can see its our sportscaster coming in the back entry after another late night. Now I can smell drunk better than most, and she was sauced. She was trying to climb over the 3 foot fence - normally a weak challenge for most - but she was stuck on the fence, hanging from her pants. Some football sized dude was trying to heave her over the fence, but she was caught. As her pants ripped, she fell head first on my side, laughing the whole time. Biff came over afterwards, even more trashed than her. They would scamper through the door and upstairs, where now I hear the frolic that was not the kind of sports you broadcast. So my dreamy sportscaster was Slutty Susan, bring home stray athletes to prepare for next days airing, or whatever they were doing.

She would move out eventually (must not have liked having to be hoisted over the fence so much), and was replaced by "Chester and Edna", the horny seniors. Lets just say their bed springs were likely as old as they were, but got good use nonetheless. Beside me was the landlady, who was more of a Harley-biker chick, who seemed to like finding the skuzziest guy out there to bring home. One night, I overheard a screaming match in the hallway. One of the sentences I overheard, which I am typing verbatim - "you can keep beating me up, but please don't f**king leave me." Ummm. OK. How do you deal with that?

To be continued....

I just want to dance...

<br/><a href="http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-CA&amp;vid=4651584c-add8-417d-a89c-d9a63ae25f4e" target="_new" title="Ridiculous Cheerleader Gives 110%">Video: Ridiculous Cheerleader Gives 110%</a>