When I grow up, I want to be a Val-ette

Sorry for the delay in posting. I trust my avid reader(s) have missed my deep words of wisdom as much as I have, but sadly, I got a bit busy saving the whales and climbing Everest. You know, important stuff.

My favourite guilty pleasure Undercover Boss aired again this past Sunday. Lets recap what we know so far, based on this past experience with Churchill Downs:

- Employees never know what the President/CEO looks like - Check!
- CEO likes to stay in seedy motels accessible to 5 states - Check!
- CEO incapable of performing elementary tasks like feeding oats to a horse and washing it - Check!
- Facial hair and a hat, and voila - CEO is in cognito - Check!

Now I really do like this show, and the moral of the series is we need to pay closer attention to the little guy who does all the work. Unfortunately, the show has gotten exceptionally predictable and formulaic. Here in a nutshell is every episode:

- Introduce CEO in his family environment at his/her (I will assume his going forward, since every episode thus far has been a man) multi-million dollar home. Make sure all family members pretend to be happy. Show arbitrary family sport such as shooting hoops or playing cards with family. Make Dad look good and make sure maid takes the day off.
- Show CEO entering boardroom and introducing the concept. Zoom in on shock of Senior Management Team. Do not show Senior Management making cell phone calls to their teams advising to baton down the hatches and watch out for big boss.
- Show CEO shaving/growing facial hair and putting on bad fitting jeans, then checking into arbitrary seedy hotel. Ensure Executive Assistants remain off screen in room next door with CEO’s Blackberry.
- Find 3-4 elementary tasks CEO cannot perform. Ensure you show him fumbling through. Zoom in on facial expression of line manager, pretending not to know who he is and rolling their eyes.
- Ensure at least 2 of the tasks include either underpaid or overworked employees which gut-wrenching life stories to tug at the heart of the audience. Visible minorities, females and seniors work best. Show tears whenever possible.
- Show CEO looking real tired after a hard days work. Zoom in on sweaty face while eating micro waved food (since clearly people in seedy hotels don't eat out).
- Minimize showing insubordinate or underperforming employees. Never show employees wondering why CEO is asking so many questions.
- Show CEO back in boardroom telling Management Team that they have worked amongst the little people. Ensure one employee asks blatantly pre-planned question to make it seem like boardroom audience cares.
- Roll all the people who interacted with the "Undercover Boss" in limos to head office, since that’s how all Head Office people get to work.
- Show re-introduction meeting with people. Ensure CEO offers something like new job or better work environment to show good faith. Make sure CEO starts every conversation with “Remember Me?”
- Show CEO holding town hall meeting with employees he has never me before. Show CEO hugging the little people.
- Show happy ending updates of how everyone is now a better person. Even Jimbo, the chauvinist Hooters Manager.
- Watch ratings soar.

CBS, call me up. I can produce this show for you no problem.