Its been a wacky week, as I am sure many of you have had at one time or another. Sadly, blogging took a back seat, but I am back, refreshed, ready to type for my avid reader(s). You can't stop me now!
I last blogged about soccer, specifically women's soccer. Yes, I know what you are thinking. You dawg Rusty! Coaching women's soccer! I'm sure you have ulterior motives for that choice, right? Well no, actually in my 17 years of coaching, I have never dated a player. Have I coached some attractive women? You betcha! I've coached women who have been models, fitness trainers, gymnasts, figure skaters, hot nannies (think Elin Woods), playboy playmates, porn stars and Ivanka Trump. OK, I lied about those last 3, but it could happen.
I've also coached cross-dressers, women who look like men, and even women who ultimately became men. Its not about how they look, as I view them all more like little sisters....little sisters who like to kick balls and wear sports bras - not that I've been noticing of course.
So we had a game this week. I'm on the sidelines doing my coach thing, you know, looking all cool and important and making notes about stuff so I don't forget. The game is a bit dull, so my mind wanders to other topics... man, does my ankle hurt. I wonder why it is still hurting? I think I need to stop at the drug store on the way home. Wow, look at that cool boat on the water - I wish I had a camera. That is one ugly dog. I wish I was not allergic to dogs. I want to throw a Frisbee into the ocean and see if my dog would jump in and chase it. I bet that ugly one would. How long would it take me to swim under that bridge and back? I bet I could do it if I had flippers on my hands. I need something to eat. I'm thinking Chinese food. Yeah, fried rice would be nice right now. I hope I have some cash in my car. I know I have a lot of coins. I need to wash my car. Then WHAM! We scored!
Clearly, I'm in pretend mode now. After finding out who scored, I decide this would be a great moment to scream out to everyone:
“That’s how we do it ladies!"
"Well done, just like in practice!"
"Keep up the pressure team!”
I felt like one of those morons at golf tournaments who would scream out “You da man” every time Tiger Woods would drop a putt. If there’s was a list of random things to scream at soccer games I’m sure I screamed out some of the top lines. And without cue cards too! I read that professional athletes often never see who scored for their team, as they are too busy drinking Gatorade or being obstructed by the cameramen, refs and coaches blocking their view. I figure most of them are actually eyeballing the stands for skanks, but thats purely a guess.
Feeling so much better about what I shouted, I decide this would be a great time to identify to my substitutes on the sideline how important it is to be in the right positions and to persist through adversity...yadda yadda yadda. Was it applicable advice? Of course. Was it based on what I saw - heck no! Could the players tell I did not notice what had just happened? Well I, like most men, naively think women don't notice stuff like that, so the answer was most likely yes they noticed.
We would go on to score 2 more, and lead 3-0 at half time. Then the other team quit. Yup, I said quit. They decided that since 5 of them were injured and should not have played, one thinks she's pregnant, one is real tired from a long day, and one is angry at another one, they would not be able to hold it together for the second half, and would rather leave. If you think this is odd, its actually not the first time this has happened to me. But you certainly don't expect it. We decided to play with ourselves, errr play an inter-squad game to fill the time.
As I was driving home, proud of the fact we won another one, I started to ask myself, why do I enjoy coaching women? Is it because they are better listeners than men from a coaches perspective? Perhaps. Maybe its because they are easy to be around, easy to talk to, easy to teach, they always listen to my crap? Speaking of crap, darn, I forgot to buy that Chinese food.
I’m Rusty and I like broccoli!
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